Pulp Fiction Meets Star Wars

OK, so Samuel L Jackson had a lot of good lines in Pulp Fiction, but not that many in Star Wars. What would happen if Tarantino fiddled with Lucas' scripts? A friend recently forwarded a mail that listed the 10 things we'd like to hear SLJ say in Star Wars.

***Disclaimer: I have no idea how where this list originated. Hats off to the guy who thought this up.***

Here goes:

Top 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson Say In The Star Wars Prequel

10.You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.

5. "What" ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on "What"?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck him like one?

And the number one:

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."

Shrek 2 - 9.0/10.0

OK, so you're probably asking yourselves - why not 10 on 10? A minor quibble that the quality of animation wasn't as um, path-breaking as eg: Disney 2D to Toy Story, or Toy Story to Monsters, Inc. or Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Also, the script or plot isn't as um, ground-breaking as the first installment. Seeing the "dark side" of fairy tale characters was refreshingly original, and I wish we'd been treated to some more new ground. Instead, Shrek takes the safe route, choosing to build on established crowd-pleasers.

Now that I got that clarification out of the way, let me tell you that Shrek 2 is the funniest animated movie I've seen in a long, long time. At least, since Monsters, Inc - I didn't find Finding Nemo *that* funny. Definitely nowhere near Shrek 2.

The story is simple - newlyweds, Shrek and Fiona visit Fiona's parents (played by John Cleese and Julie Andrews), who are not thrilled that their daughter chose true love's first kiss (re: Shrek 1) to be an ogre's. Throw in complications of a scheming fairy godmother, and you've got a decent plot to fill 90 minutes.

The attention to detail is staggering. One look at the city kingdom of Far Far Away will tell you what I mean. The streets are lined with stores like Farbucks (there's a good gag concerning Farbucks), and Gap Queen. Before Shrek 2, the only other animated production that took such pains was Matt Groening's Futurama (Cartoon Network, M-Thu 11pm). Movie parodies abound, naturally. Lord of the Rings, a very very funny take on Mission: Impossible, and a sly dig at Disney's Beauty and the Beast. When you see the movie, you'll see how apt that is.

Special mention must go to Antonio Banderas and his self-parody of his Zorro character, as a swashbuckling Puss-in-Boots. A definite plus for the movie. Donkey on the other hand, comes off more annoying that funny. I mean, his character is supposed to be annoying, but he was a funny/annoying in the first movie. Sure, there are some funny moments in the movie, but I wish I could've seen more Puss-in-Boots than Donkey. A trivial point to some, but worth mentioning nonetheless.

If you like comedies/parodies, you have got to see Shrek 2 this summer. Heck, I'll probably watch it again!

The Rundown - 5.0/10

The Rock (formerly The Scorpion King) tries to create some buddy-chemistry with Seann William Scott. And fails. This movie was so boring, and so predictable, I was able to efficiently multitask with it running in the background.

The premise - The Rock's a retrieval expert. He's sent in for "one last mission" into the Amazon jungle, to retrieve an errant trasure hunter. While there, he gets mixed up in a local rebellion against tyrannical mine owner (played by Christopher Walken), and (eventually) takes a stand.

Of the 3 lead roles, I found Christopher Walken to be the best, but marginally so. I wish I could find something interesting to say about this movie, but try as I might, I can't.

Summer Flip-flops

So the first two, highly marketed summer blockbusters have turned out to be flops. I believe studio execs feel that the movies will turn profitable once it's released in international markets - especially UK & Japan - and once the merchandising & DVD sales pick up. The next few movies to keep an eye out for are:

Shrek 2 (releasing May 21st)

Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban (releasing June 4th)

Spiderman 2 (releasing July 2nd)

I can only hope that they turn out to be better than Van Helsing or Troy!

Troy - 6.5/10

I’ll admit, I was waiting for Troy with some degree of anticipation. Given the success of the Lord of the Rings franchise, I had hoped that Peter Jackson’s genius in using CG and live action to create epic battles might somehow be duplicated by others. Sadly, this was not to be the case.

First of all, everyone knows what the story is. If they don’t then in my opinion, they ought to go back to whatever rock they’d crawled out from under. For those who want more details of what happened in the Trojan War, I highly recommend Wikipedia.com. Now it’s important to note that Troy is “inspired by” and “loosely based on” Homer’s The Iliad. Audiences expecting to see members of the Greek pantheon are in for a disappointment. Troy gets rid of all that – unwisely, I feel. Instead, it reduces the movie to a foundation of base emotions – lust, love, honor, greed, ambition, etc. This movie is all about the men (and women) who went through the war. As an aside – the war itself lasted 10 years, but has been reduced to a few weeks here.

The biggest surprise in the movie was Eric Bana’s portrayal of Hector (the brother of Paris). A bloody good piece of acting as the warrior who knows he is about to die yet goes to face it with honor & dignity. The biggest disappointment is – no surprises here – Brad Pitt’s muscle-for-brains Achilles.

The epic battle sequences are rather ho-hum, understandably. Had this movie come out before The Lord of the Rings, it would’ve been hailed as path-breaking. Instead, it comes off as a pale imitation of Helm’s Deep. The one-on-one battles – Hector vs. Ajax, and the better one of Hector vs.

Achilles – are well choreographed, and go a long way in redeeming some of the other faults of the movie.

I wouldn’t call this movie a must-see; some may choose to wait for the DVD. I’d wager that fans of Lord of The Rings might find this movie somewhat enjoyable, but doubt it’d hold much appeal for others.